mahbuddymycroft:

fivetail:

dopernose:

Back in prehistoric times it was just a free for all. God was putting antlers on everything and made 7 foot tall gophers with wings, it was a mess.

image

Look at this poor, impractical bastard. 

The prehistoric era was God’s Deviantart stage.

Now he just hides all of his stupid-looking OCs in the ocean where no one can find them.

I can’t not reblog this

Today I went to Subway.

letsfeelthathing:

There were these 12 year old boys hanging around. As I got my food and left they were all checking me out like little prepubescent lemurs and one of them said “Can I get your number?” And I turned around and said “Why, you need a babysitter?”

image

(via madamisahumourist)

licklucifer:

bestquius:

bestquius:

There’s this asshole who every time he sees me with my ukulele he thinks he’s funny and asks “Can you play any Metallica?” but the joke is now on him because I just learned how to play the intro riff to Master of Puppets.

I did it. I fucking did it. He asked me again just like I knew he would and I stared him straight in the eyes without blinking and just fucking shredded on my ukulele

everyone fucking needs to listen to this

(via lozalot)

prokopetz:

This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
Fucking wasps.

prokopetz:

This is the one time of year that I love wasps.

Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.

Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.

The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.

I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.

The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.

So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.

Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.

Fucking wasps.

daftlypunk:

i hit my coworkers shoulder lightly and he was like “you’re going to make me cry like a girl” and i was like “what’s wrong with being a girl?” and he was quiet for a moment then he looked into the distance and whispered “the social standards they’re forced to live by”

(via a-thousand-words)

kvotheunkvothe:

the-average-gatsby:

imagine a horror movie where you’re trapped in your house with a serial killer but all your lights are clappers

so you’re running for your life from this psychopath while both of you are just aggressively clapping the lights on and off

But you know your house better than they do. You probably can find your way around almost completely in the dark, including avoiding all the counters and doors. Imagine a stranger trying to navigate YOUR home in the dark.

solitarylikeme:

tinytazninja:

dickrockerjanecrocker:

blainedarling:

heysammy:

a-sorta-fairytale:

imagine being stuck in a room surrounded by everyone you’ve ever had sex with

 

imagine being stuck in a room surrounded by everyone you’ve ever thought about having sex with

oh god NO

oh god YES

Imagine your cousin sitting there wondering what he has in common with these people

(via hama0n)

url-goes-here:

have you ever been reading something and completely understood a line of foreshadowing and just whispered “shit”

(via wren-natsworthy)

princess-of-lore:

mycheekyfinn:

official-nasa:

monilip:

dont-stop-runninggg:

knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad 

That was deep

philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie

That was deeper.

common sense is knowing that ketchup isn’t a damn smoothie you nasty

(via thedailylaughs)

thepottergeist:

madcenturion:

madcenturion:

If you think about it, the process of singing the birthday song and cutting the cake is extremely satanic

no but seriously imagine it this way

a small gathering of people huddle around a object on fire, chanting ritualistically a repetitive song in unison until the fire is blown out and a knife is stabbed into the object

you must be fun at parties

(via fuckyeahloldemort)

matters-from-ashes:

letstalkaboutdisney:

b0oobs:

neverrlaand:

my motto

what’s a motto

nothing what’s a motto with you

A Disney reference in a Disney post. We have achieved a post singularity event.
( a room full of scientists applaud and shake hands)

matters-from-ashes:

letstalkaboutdisney:

b0oobs:

neverrlaand:

my motto

what’s a motto

nothing what’s a motto with you

A Disney reference in a Disney post. We have achieved a post singularity event.

( a room full of scientists applaud and shake hands)

(via alirialouis)

ultrafacts:

Source If you want more facts, follow Ultrafacts

ultrafacts:

Source If you want more facts, follow Ultrafacts

thecutestofthecute:

look at my lil mutt when she arrived at my house! she was rescued by a girl when she was around a month, and i took her in when she was barely 2 months old.

thecutestofthecute:

look at my lil mutt when she arrived at my house! she was rescued by a girl when she was around a month, and i took her in when she was barely 2 months old.

jaimarie:

They should put prizes in tampon boxes, be like yeah your period sucks but here’s 50% off of some icecream.

(via recoveryninja)

my parents are lucky i was too lazy to go through a rebellious phase

(via aleeeesuh)